My four little girls

As most of you know, Autumn, Hannah, Abby and Heidi all went to their pre-adoptive placement one week ago today. It was a tremendously heart wrenching decision to not adopt them. They have been with us for four years. I held each of them in my arms and rocked them to sleep at night when they were afraid or just needed a little extra loven.

I have learned their little quarks and passions. Dealt with their anger and sorrows, held their heads while they were sick. I've baked their favorite cookies and prepared their favorite meals. I have rolled my eyes over their obnoxious habitues and ignored the hate filled words they flung at me out of frustration. We have celebrated their achievements and cried over their failures.

All in all they were our children and to let them go just like that has been hard. My mind wonders how they are doing if they are sad if they are being loved and appreciated. I know they will not get the upbringing I would have given them but that is ok, they will experience opportunities I could have never given them. My life has been blessed by their being with us and I hope that their lives have also been blessed by us knowing them.

I want a friendship with their new family, as it stands now that will not happen. The mother will not reply to my e-mails, phone calls, or text's. It hurts so much.

I got some heart wrenching text's from Autumn the other day, she was so unhappy and wanted to come home. I tried the best I could to reassure her that everything was going to be ok. It's so hard to do that with only texting, that is all that she is allowed to do she is not allowed to call me. I could hear her frustration and sadness in what she was typing, my heart hurt so bad for her I wanted to rush right out and save her. She is over 2 hours away so that was not a possibility. I asked if she would like me to talk to the mom and she said yes, so I called and the mom would not pick up the phone. I left a voice message stating that Autumn was having a hard time and did not feel comfortable talking to her yet and wanted me to talk to her and between us two mom's we could make this transition easier. She told Autumn it was bedtime and that she would call me back in the morning. She never did...

I'm hurt. I don't understand why anyone would not want to help their child through a rough time in their lives. I have been told that perhaps she is intimidated by me. I can't see why she would be. I want the girls to be with her I want this to work out I want them all to be happy. If I did not want this all I would have had to do was say. We are keeping the girls and she would never ever had gotten them. I feel that she does not want my advice or interference in what she is doing with her now family. I will have to respect that and just try and enjoy the little contact I'm allowed. The only problem is Autumn can only text me and the mom reads all of her text's. Abby, Hannah do not have phones to text me. Heidi is too small to text me even if she did have a phone. so it like I have contact with only 1/4th of my girls. And that contact is not open because of the monitoring.

I cry for the loss but deep in my heart I know they were not meant to be our forever children, I just wish that I had a relationship with the mom and the girls. free of any fear of what ever it is that Anne is afraid of.

Sorry about the sad post.